Planning Kids? How Irresponsible of You.
“You’re so irresponsible!” The nurse berated my wife. “How could you get pregnant again after already having two children?” It was supposed to be a routine pregnancy checkup. But it turned into an attack on my wife. She had to endure the aggressive complaints of her nurse. It wasn’t cool with her that a young…
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“You’re so irresponsible!”
The nurse berated my wife.
“How could you get pregnant again after already having two children?”
It was supposed to be a routine pregnancy checkup. But it turned into an attack on my wife. She had to endure the aggressive complaints of her nurse. It wasn’t cool with her that a young woman, in her late 20s, was having a third pregnancy.
So, you planning any more children?
“So, you planning any more children?” That’s a question I hear often. And I often struggle to find the words to answer it. For me, it’s a non-starter. How do the words “planning” and “children” find their way into the same sentence? And why is that sentence always phrased as a question?
Sure, I can see how it makes sense to people. But to me it seems that that question only makes sense when you’ve already accepted a package of social norms that that question fits nicely with. Social norms that put children lower on the list of priorities than they should be. How about this: can I ask you to please put those social norms aside for a moment, and imagine a world in which having children is not a question? Where human life is so valued that a family wouldn’t think twice about bringing life into the world?
I think that’s worth saying again – can you imagine a world in which a family wouldn’t think twice about bringing life into the world?
Does that sound like a fantasy to you? Well, as long as it does, society isn’t going to change much.
Parenthood is “irresponsible”
Is it irresponsible to bring children into the world? My wife’s nurse certainly thought so. There’s so much social thinking that discourages parents from having children. It’s as if it’s only OK to have children if certain factors are set in place. Things like income, job security, community, etc. And if the child in the womb has a defect or risk of impairment? Again, you are warned for having that child, and encouraged to terminate the pregnancy.
Well, we haven’t seen that nurse for a while. I don’t know what she would say if she saw us today, as we are now at eight children – eight. The average birth rate for our country (Israel) is 2.64 children per family.* So we have over three times the amount of children that our country’s society is set up for.
Parenthood is blind faith
Is this irresponsible? I don’t think so. It’s an act of blind faith in human life. Remember that someone paid the price for everyone – those born and those yet to be born. That was an act of blind faith in human life – there was no guarantee that anyone would accept or honor His sacrifice.
And no, I’m not talking about putting your faith in humanity – humanity will always let you down. Humanity is frail, broken, and evil. But human life is not. Human life is… life. Life only comes from one source. Life is worth being valued, as the Author of life is worth being valued.
Irresponsible or not, having children is exactly the thing that taught me responsibility. Yes, it would have been great to know what I know now when I was a new father. But I just don’t see how that could happen without first putting blind faith in becoming a father. You just can’t get to the destination without the journey.
Parenthood has conditions
Our family lives on a hill atop the valley of Ben Hinnom in Jerusalem, Israel. Today that valley has a pretty green park, a cinematheque with a nice restaurant, and a municipal music center. It’s also flanked by some nice cliffs that are a draw for weekend rock climbers.
But in biblical times, it was called Tophet: the place where people sacrificed their babies to the gods Molech and Baal. Yes, that same place. It all sounds so barbaric and archaic. People today are much more enlightened, aren’t they? People don’t do stuff like that today, do they?
Here’s what today looks like – today there is a culture that values bringing human life only under certain conditions. Otherwise, it’s irresponsible. It’s socially unacceptable. Which means it’s just plain unacceptable. So unacceptable that parents are encouraged to terminate pregnancies if these conditions aren’t met. Is this not barbaric as well?
There is only one true condition required for responsibly bringing life into the world. It is the binding and exclusive commitment of a mother and a father. After that condition is met, why then should it be a question?
And even if that condition isn’t met, that doesn’t mean that you can’t rejoice and be happy over the creation of new life. Nothing’s stopping you from treating that child as if he or she were just born to the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge.
Parenthood is the best thing you can do in life
So why did we bring eight children into the world? Because the value of bringing a human life into the world to me was greater than any cost I could list. And I’ve listed those costs. Those costs were great. I feel them every day. But they just don’t add up to more than the value of bringing a human life into the world.
Children are a responsibility. Pets are a responsibility. Plants are a responsibility. Every form of life requires commitment in order to survive and grow. And today’s culture spurns commitment. Because commitment limits your options. But what are those options worth without a proper concept of value, starting with the value of human life?
The best thing you can do is be a father or mother. And if you’re not in a family setting, it doesn’t mean you can’t act as a father or mother for those in need. You can still reach out and care for children in need of a father or mother. You can give your time and resources to support other parents. You can choose for yourself to reject those social norms that don’t give proper value to human life.
Yeah, those are all commitments. Maybe it would be irresponsible of you to jump into a commitment like that. But I don’t know any other way to start the journey that teaches responsibility in a way you just can’t learn otherwise. In other words – I don’t know any other way to just plain grow up.
Great message!! I love it!! I tell people all the time who ask me if they should have more kids (and yes, I get that question all the time?!?) I say, “you will NEVER regret having another child, they are a blessing!” Many of our church members are involved fostering and adoptions, so I try to bring meals and cheer them on… and maybe one day God will stretch us further too(: bless you guys and all of your 8 perfect gifts from above!! we love you guys!!
Thanks Laura! This is our message, and I’m so glad you’re feelin it too!
wow! this is so inspiring and moving. thanks, Adam!!
Thanks Anna!
Great message Adam. Makes me glad that we decided to have you. Just joking. I would have been glad anyway.
Well done Adam. We always respond to ‘the question’ with “which one could we live without?”
Thanks for the open, honest, personal and funny articles!
Thanks man – I like your answer!
My thoughts exactly–I couldn’t agree more!!
Thanks Tammy!
We have several children ourselves; very much enjoyed your essay. I clicked over here to read about how you run your family using Highrise. Have you written about it anywhere?
Hi Michael!
Thanks for the kind words – I made a podcast episode about Highrise called “Why Everyone Needs a CRM”: https://adamleerosenfeld.com/podcast/optimized-primed/everyone-needs-crm/
It isn’t an in-depth how-to, but it speaks more on the concept of all of us being case workers.
I’m working on a webinar that will go deeper on personal management. If you’d like, you can subscribe here to get notified about it when the time comes: http://eepurl.com/33OWH
Have an awesome day!
– Adam
Hey Adam, just wanted to let u know that the link the very beginning doesnt work, it says 404 not found. Hope that helps!
Thanks for ur writings!
Cait & Tobi
? thanks for letting me know! I fixed it, here’s the direct link as well: https://adamleerosenfeld.com/highroad/
Having met your delightful family (I’m a friend of the other Bethany), as the oldest of eight children, and as a lover of children (who can’t presently have her own), I say a hearty amen! Thanks for saying this so well, and for living it too!
Thanks for the encouraging words, Lisa!
So well spoken!! You have taken the words right out of my mouth! I think I’ll print your essay out and hand to everyone who asks me if we are planning to have more children!
Thanks Caroline!
That was an interesting read, thank you for sharing.
Me and my wife have(for the foreseeable future) set on the two kids that we have at the moment. I can definitely agree that having children is something that can significantly change you and help you grow as a person. Also I’ve been mesmerized by observing and being part of the development of both of my children – it always blows my mind how one can transition from not being able to do much to talking and expressing their own ideas.
In terms of why we’ve decided on two kids, the reason is partially because I am unable to spend enough time with my family as it is(working long hours during the week and sometimes even during the weekend, although I am making strides to improve), and then partially for selfish reasons on behalf of me and my wife. Raising children is a lot of work and dedication, especially during the first few years when the kids are more inseparable of us. My wife hasn’t had a lot of alone time in the past 3 and a half years, we haven’t had a lot of alone time either and this is something that I think is important in order to be able to keep ourselves sane and to have enough positive energy in order to have better interactions with our children.
Activities like travelling and hiking also get easier as the children get older and those are things we’d like to do with our kids sooner rather than later so that they can get used to it from a young age.
So that’s our story 🙂 I definitely think that it’s no one’s business to judge how many kids a couple decides to have(very inappropriate for that nurse to make such remarks). Everyone is in a unique situation and everyone has different views.
Having a conversation and being exposed to views different than our own is something that I think is great 🙂
Hi Nikola! Thanks for sharing your story. Yes, having 8 kids is hard. But so is having 2 kids or even 1 child, as you know. My goal is to structure my life in a way that honors human life properly. And for me, that’s getting to the place where having children isn’t even a question. Of course, it doesn’t look like we’re there yet in Western society. But it’s important to have a dream, and this is my dream 🙂
man, I loved this. thanks!
Kambani!
I had three pregnancies, four children under four years of age. It was a struggle financially and physically especially as my husband moved around with his job. I remember people looking ‘knowingly’ at us when we were out shopping! It is wrong to judge other people.
Thanks for sharing, Audrey!